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The Pious Goats of Southall

Letter to Brother Abdullah

By: Hakim Hazik

Jalalatul Mulk, Malik Abdulla bin Abdul Aziz Sahib, please accept greetings from you fond brother, pining in your love and longing to be with you. Also, Salama Laikum from your Bhabi.

I am very well in the holy city of London and partaking of the divine gifts such as nihari in the holy borough of Southhall. The angioplasty has gone well. Brother Shahbaz  has a firm hand at the helm in Raiwind and Brother Davis is cooling his heels in Colorado. God bless the hands and heels of the faithful of the Ummah and feed them the heads and feet of the pious goats of Southhall, so that they prosper in this world and the next.

I hear that Brother Field Marshal has promised two infantry divisions. I am overjoyed to hear the news. The indomitable soldiers of Islam will never demur from opening fire on the enemies of the Ummah, as they surge towards the Riyadh Palace shouting democracy, human rights, freedom of speech and similar decadent slogans. They will use the G3 rifles produced in the blessed Wah factory to snuff out these dangerous notions. The enemies of the Ummah will be given no quarter.

I congratulate Your Majesty to have applied your steadying hand in Bahrain. Decisive action needs to be taken to prevent the poison from spreading. Bother Hammad needs support. If he leaves on board the Fifth Fleet, it will be an unmitigated disaster for the Ummah. Woe betide the day that people with dubious faith take control in Bahrain and impious, reprobate women drive in the streets of Riyadh in open top cars, with their abayas trailing in the wind. This will be a setback for the Ummah, the like of which has never been seen since the fall of Bagdad at the hands of Halaku Khan, or the loss of the Islamic Republic in the Semi Finals.

I must admit your Majesty, that there is a fear, gnawing at your brother’s heart. There are examples in our history where our soldiers have disregarded the law and teachings of the True Faith and taken the reins of the Ummah in their own hands. In the contemporary history of the Ummah, the latest example of that is when your bother was sent on a compulsory Haj, although he had been to several voluntary Hajs already. After Bairam Khan, your brother was the first leader in the Ummah to have suffered this appalling travesty.

It would be wise counsel to guard against such a possibility by posting the two divisions at the Yemen border or at the Dhahran base, and not in Riyadh. If you hear as much as whiff of the phrase ‘90 days’, you should act swiftly and sit your royal person on the GOC, till he comes back into the fold of the True Faith.  May God preserve your shadow on Earth. May God preserve the pipeline to the Islamic Republic.

Your True Brother,

MMN Sharif,

Of the Order of the Pious Goat,

Currently domiciled in:

The Islamic Republic of South Hall

More articles by Hakim Hazik 



Comments (2) -

M Saqib United States, on 4/16/2011 11:08:22 AM Said:

Absolutely brilliant!

ayub United Kingdom, on 4/17/2011 4:25:29 AM Said:


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