Extraordinary Rendition

By Hakim Hazik 

Dear Boys And Girls, Parents And Teachers, Ladies And Gentlemen, I am very grateful for your kind invitation to address this convocation.  

We know that this be the last one in this city, as the capital has moved to Dubai. I fully support this move.  The photocopiers and fax machines are better in Dubai and the security environment is much better. With the frontier province taken over by General Mahsood, and Islamabad about to fall, I think it is a wise precaution.  

Of course, this would be a temporary move. All the real decision will be made in your permanent capital which will continue to remain, as always, in Washington.  

Dubai has also gained much by being annexed by Pakistan. The main advantage is that the freedoms and liberties that Pakistan has achieved after decades of hard work will be immediately accessible to them. Such ingenious facilities as burning of tyres to express a difference of opinions, a quick resolution of domestic discord, under the celebrated karo kari system and public beheadings of underperforming security officials. This was recently demonstrated in Jandola and in Hangu and is a source to tremendous reassurance to the common man.  

Washington also serves as the capital of the United States of America. USA is the most powerful democracy in the world. There are some people who do not agree. They mostly live in Camp Delta, Guntanamo Bay. They are instantly recognised because of their bright orange dress, and stooped posture. This is because of the shackles they wear, which have a very important place in their culture. America is a multicultural society. We respect other peoples’ culture.  

Democracy is the government of the people, by the people, for the people. This is the American way of life. I believe that the people of Pakistan deserve no less. They should also have the government of the people, by the people and for the people of America.  

This is what they have achieved under the sagacious and selfless leadership of Gen Tinpot. He is a great democrat. He bombed to oblivion, all those dangerous enemies of democracy in Lal Masjid, some of them females, some of them as young as seven. Very dangerous nevertheless. They were all burnt to a cinder. Their DNA was carbonised.  

It was a win win situation. These people achieved martyrdom, something they covet and cherish. The Pakistanis achieved a sovereign parliament, responsive to their needs. In addition they earned the gratitude of the American people, who have expressed their appreciation by providing five billion dollars’ worth of aircraft and missiles. They have also provided the technology to hunt down such enemies of democracy and send a missile down their chimneys on special occasions. This has fulfilled a great unmet need of democracy in Pakistan.  

I admire the young man who walked past me with such self assurance, and did not want to stop. I would advise him that it would be a mistake to do the same in front of the Americans in Helmand or in Kunar or in Sadr City, if he wants to continue with his studies, and indeed with his life. I would also remind him that Guantanamo is only a few hours by plane form Boston. And the accommodation facilities there are much more secure than his college dorms.  

We will continue our utmost efforts to support democracy in Pakistan, including its new capital, Dubai. The real enemy of democracy in Pakistan is not Gen Tinpot. You should not spend your time and energy in hounding him. The real enemy of the people is gastroenteritis. We have provided clean water with medicinal properties to counteract this threat. I would urge you all to take a bottle. This has been specially bottled by the State Department and is called Hogwash^®.  

I wish you best of luck with your studies, development of democracy and fight against gastroenteritis.  

Also by Hakim Hazik: Apocalypse, How? I Love Polo, Deal Deal Pakistan