Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

As the year draws to a close, we have great news for the people of the Aslafic Republic of Pakistan. We are getting two billion dollars, audit free, interest free, and adjusted for inflation. This has been personally promised in the presence of the world media by the great scion of the Ummah and the Great Off-White Hope, President Syed Barak Hussein Obama (Chishti, Qadri).

This does not in any way undermine our sovereignty. There is no question of civilian supervision. The civilians cannot supervise their own backside. They have been therefore advised to ask for permission before they attempt to wipe the same, in whole or in part. This is in their own interest and in the supreme national interest. This in line with the fundamental structure of the constitutional clause on backsides and any unauthorised wiping thereof, shall be subject to, inter alia,  judicial review and to an emergency meeting of the National Security Council and the full bench of the Supreme Court.

Pari materia, we have been visited by one of the biggest natural calamities in the history of the nation and our brave soldiers have risen to the challenge. No no, not the floods. I mean the restoration of the civilian pretenders to the office of responsibility. In these times of trials and tribulations, our valiant armed forces have been steadfast. We have made great sacrifices and have repulsed attacks on our sovereignty by vicious enemies, especially Rehman Malik.

We are the guardians of the national sovereignty. We will protect it whatever the cost. Drones are fine. Civilian deaths are understandable. Helicopter over flights are a clear breach of the international law and will not be tolerated, unless the two billion package is approved by the Congress.

The allegations against the Haqqani network are untrue. He is a peace loving democrat and had nothing to do with the bombing of the Indian Embassy. It would not be in the interest of the Republic or the Coalition to take him out. Although further discussions can be undertaken for another hundred million on the table.

There has been media publicity of some disquiet in our neighbourhood, on the scale of this military grant. Our neighbours should not be worried. We want to live peacefully with all our neighbours, especially those in Islamabad. We are not planning aggression against anyone. We respect the rule of law.

There is no law against the soft strategic depth. We want to promote this modern and liberal concept by incorporating it in the preamble to the constitution. We want to start with Islamabad but would like to extend it to Kabul, with the help of the Quetta Shura and to Teheran, with the help of Jundullah. We have worked with internationally acclaimed NGOs such as Lashkar e Taiba to promote this insight in other parts of the world including Bombay.

We were hoping to hold an international workshop in New Delhi during the Commonwealth Games, but the accommodation facilities were awful. We hope to reconvene as soon as the administrative issues are sorted.

Field Marshal A P Kayani,

Washington DC

More articles by Hakim Hazik