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Jizya by Direct Debit

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

Congratulations to the Ummah. We have found the answer to the blasphemy and insolence of the dying and decadent West. Haji Ghulam Ahmed Bilour has announced a bounty on the head of the accursed film maker. It is only a matter of time before a spirited individual will show the world the stuff that the Ummah is made of. This will not only preserve our honour as an Ummah, but also will safeguard the cinemas of belonging to Haji Sahib. As our readers will know, some irresponsible elements wanted to burn these repositories of high Islamic art to the ground.

Fortunately, our police, imbued with a spirit of love for Islamic culture, and acting decisively against the wanton and gratuitous behaviour of the crowd, killed the TV camera man, as a warning to the lawless elements, to save these jewels of our heritage for the posterity.

Those who are familiar with the historic city of Peshawar will remember that the cinema, in the best tradition of our creed, was famous for showing short educational film segments for generations of adolescent youngsters as a rite of initiation into adulthood.

It seems that due notice has been taken of the piety and devotion of Haji Sahib at the highest level. Al-Shaikh Hakeem Ullah Al-Mahsood, with tears rolling down his face has apologised for the awful mistake that he had made in putting Haji Sahib Hajis’s name on the list of the accursed, side by side with Nakoula Basseley Nakoula. He has removed it thereof, forthwith, and put it on the central Majlis e Shura of the TTP instead.

Allah be praised.

As is now well known, Haji Sahib has invited the TTP and Al-Qaida stalwarts to comment on a consultative paper he has written so that a merger can be achieved with the ANP in an expeditious manner.

Further consultations have taken place with Syed Mad Moron Hamid, and his close associates Messrs. Dajjal, Gog and Magog about the forthcoming world war. All of them agree that the time has come to dispatch the enemies of Islam and the assorted fascist liberals to the nethermost regions of hell where they will suffer forever, watching the videos of Kamran Khan.

The standard of Khurasan will be unfurled and Haji Sahib will lead the legions of the faithful to Al-Sham where he will slay the beast and take a transatlantic flight to LA on Hatf 37, Ghuari 10 cruise missile. He will flatten the Beverly Hills and box the ears of Nakoula Basseley Nakoula, before bringing his head back on a spike (duty free).

There will be a boy tribute paid to the Khilafat of Aabpara of a thousand pubescent Khorasani boys, weaned on the videos of Shama cinema, holding a gold cup, every year, year after year.

(All transactions via standing order, we deal with all major banks).

The honour of Islam will be saved at all costs. The Peshawar porn will be saved at all costs. Shama cinema will be built again to the dismay of the enemies of Islam.


Malfoozat al-Alice.

Carroll, Syed Lewis. Apocalypse Publishers, Urdu Bazar, Lahore.


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