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Prince Muqrin Will Fix It

Extraordinary Rendition 

Praise be to God, who created Aramco, CENTCOM, Lockheed Martin, McDonnell Douglas, British Aerospace and Halliburton, to sustain the Kingdom and provide for the faithful. Salutations to the Creator, who blessed us with Monaco, Monte Carlos, Marbella, and Aspen, Colaroado, so that the faithful can have their holidays. God protect the faithful from the evils of Iran, Hezbollah, Israel, woman drivers, parliamentary democracy, free press, renewable energy and high cholesterol. 

Dear Brother Nawaz,

I am very pleased to hear that you have arrived safely in your homeland, and feel most satisfied in the knowledge that you remain under the benevolent guidance of Al-Sheikh Fazal Din, the remarkable spiritual mentor. Things are not the same since you left. The Saroor Palace seems like a haunted place. Prince Muqrin is particularly disconsolate. No amount of beheadings have been able to cheer him up. As you know he shares his love of horses with you. (Although I understand that your interest mainly of trade and commerce in nature). I have received a message of congratulations from Nephew Saad Hariri. He wishes you well and has given his solemn undertaking that he will not allow anyone to harm even a hair on your body, (and on your head too, if still under warranty). Dear little Saad, he has such a strong faith. May God protect him from the Syrians, the Hezbollah, the Druze, the Phalangists and the Israelis and bring the brutal killers of his father to justice.  

I hear that brother Imran Khan and Qazi Sahib are not too pleased with your decision to participate in the elections. If it is any consolation, Prince Muqrin can have Hugh Grant to be seen by his men, and invite him to the path of righteousness. Prince’s men can be very persuasive. Similarly if Qazi Sahib is not talking to you, we can ask Prince Muqrin to have the eye brows of a certain Maulana sent to him through the post, hopefully this will cheer him up.

We were extremely saddened by the martyrdom of Sister BB. We have ordered that from now on, throughout the kingdom, women can only go out in armoured personnel carriers, in bullet proof abayas, and with an adult male relative.

We hope that you will soon be installed in Islamabad. Once that happens, we would suggest that you should retrieve the 15th amendment. Give it a good dusting down, and re-introduce it as 18th amendment. It is a brilliant piece of legislation, and it will allow you to establish the rule of law, and let you become the Emir of the Islamic Republic. You must be resolute in crushing any possible challenges to discourage any future usurpers. The punishments for troublemakers should be dire and public. If you need any technical assistance, please let us know, Prince Muqrin will fix it.


Nawaz Sharif

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