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The Caliphate of Calgary


Extraordinary Rendition

Hakim Hazik


Our beloved leader was born in the ancient city of Jhang which has long been a cradle of civilisation. He cut his ecclesiastical teeth on the handouts of the holy Ittefaq conglomerate which is a beacon of hope and enlightenment in the darkness of Lahore.


Before he led the legions of Islam to the fleshpots of Islamabad, he spent a brief sojourn in Toronto. He converted a large number of native population to the peaceful message of Islam. These innocent folk had been led astray by the infamous Wahhabi zealot Dr Farhat Hashmi. It is solely due to his efforts that Islam is the most rapidly spreading religion in Toronto and among the aboriginal people of Hamilton and Scarborough.  


After he founded the first Islamic state in the North America, his pious and resourceful devotees, the Stakeholders in Aabpara invested in a parachute which allowed him to land in Lahore once again where his presence was sorely needed.  There were mass celebrations and festivities as the denizens of Lahore gathered around him shouting hosannas and he spoke to them thus:


‘O, sons of Islam, the time has come for us to come together, and march towards Islamabad. We must take our message to the nation’s capital and take back what is our right and the bequest of our forefathers including General Mustache ul Haq of the Mandible Square. 


‘For far too long, false pretenders have resided in the Presidency. They have made a pact with Yazid, Pharaoh and the IMF. We will take up the cudgels against all these monsters and chase them till they have no refuge on earth except to go back to the caves of Nawab Shah where they sprang from. 


‘Dear Brothers,


‘I have spent a long time spreading the message of Islam in the Canadian tundra. Many a reindeer of the Inuit provenance have entered the fold of Islam. The local populations are coming out of the clutches of Wahhabism and the Caliphate is firmly established in Calgary. I have been blessed by God and instructed by the Prophet to drive out the devils from the Election Commission. 


‘The time to act is now. If we allow this charade to go ahead, these enemies of God will come back to the capital for another five years and all the Stakeholders will be left in doldrums playing solitary games of golf and ruminating about the halcyon days of the Father of the Nation, General Mustache ul Haq (of the Mandible Square).


‘We must rise and take our destiny in our own hands. It is a sin to hold partners with the Stakeholders. It is to them that the supremacy of the universe belongs. To them we turn and to them we have recourse in our times of need.


‘Let us not be deterred by temporary setbacks. Some Stakeholders have reneged and deviated from the true path. For them their way and for us our way. We will march on, supported by nothing but our courage, an unshakeable faith in our mission and in the person and in the heirs and descendants of Queen Elizabeth the 2nd. May God bless her and sustain her rule and protect the realm from a triple dip recession. 


The Caliph of Calgary

The Shaikh of Islam,

Allama Dr Tahir ul Qadri



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