Have you nat heard sir ji? The rumour mill is working overtime; faster than the shukar mill af Choishujat; faster than the suo moto machine af sapreem coat. Journal Tinpot Bahadur is coming back! More...

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

There are two kinds of Taliban.

The good ones live in Quetta. They are cuddly and roly-poly. They have generous and reassuring paunches, symbolic of the glory of Islam. They sit on hand woven carpets with intricate designs, using round pillows to support their staid behinds. They have tea with the Corps Commander Sahib. They send their girls to school in Quetta and their fighters to jihad in Helmand to blow up schools. They have endearing habits. They stroke their beards with their fingers and say alhamdu lillah when they burp. More...

Letter to the Queen

By: Asif Raja

To,

HRH

The Queen

Dear Ma'am,

I know you are patiently waiting to hear from me as to what happened to the gentleman's game in the home of cricket, Lords. Well, to be honest I was on call last Sunday night when I first came to know about the revelations and most of the week have been quiet dumbfounded with this "un-gentlemanly affair". More...

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

Now, I am telling you in all honesty. Mr Lokat came to see me the night before last. This was just after the angel of God came to me, to apprise me that the players were innocent and were born of virgin births. I offered Mr Lokat peaches, I offered him plums. He complained of the apartheid regime inflicted on the poor people of South Africa for decades by these same white people who are now conspiring to undermine our nandrolone powered reverse swing and the hysteric British media baying for Asian blood. More...

The Quaid Ispeaks

By: Hakim Hazik

Dear patriatic jernails af Pakistan, this is your Quaid ispeaking. Dear jernails, we isloot the services that you have undertaken to help the peepil affected by filoods outside the gireat Port City. If it was nat the case, masses af istrange istrange peepil firam interior Sind would invade Kiranchi. This would disturb the ethnic harmony that the Mutahidda has established after istrenuos efforts with electric dirills and gunny bags. More...

To,

Dear Brother,

I write to you as a brother, as you have been granted the temporary guardianship of this realm by the Almighty, till the Tehrik  e Taliban (Binnori,Waziri, Mehsudi group) is ready to take over the reins of the government. I write to you in the name of the unity of the Ummah and the forthcoming Khilafah of God on earth. This resurgent and everlasting Khilafah will be appointed by God and myself. More...

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

Meray Aziz Hamwatno,

Mullah Mullen is my best friend. He is the Commander of the Faithful and Amir of Momineen and Mominat. He is the Caliph of Islam, just like Mullah Omar was before him. Mullah Omar was also my best friend. He may yet be the Caliph again. I therefore keep his ba’yat and get him his snuff from the bounteous province of Hindukush. More...

People of Birmingham, Lend Me Your Ears

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

Welcome to this launch party of Chairman Bilawal Bhutto Zardari. Many of you have been on launches in the past after paying large amounts of money to Greek human smugglers. You are all hard working people. The motherland is proud of you. We are very grateful for the money you send to Pakistan. It keeps the country going and pays for the essentials of life such as this trip. I can assure you that your money is safe in numbered Swiss accounts and no enemies of the people from the Supreme Court can ever lay their dirty hands on it. More...

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Tuzk e Jahangiri

By: Hakim Hazik

Friends and Countrymen,

Lend me your ears.

The faeces af Inglush medium schools are going up. Most peepal in Pakistan Peepal Paty can nat ford them. But if we have to survive and make pragress, we must lurn Inglush. Otherwise we will nat have highly ejucated shriek chairmans and secty journals like me in future. I have decided to give faree tewshun in classical language and litrature, in Choona Mandi Metropolitan Univarasty, af which I have decided to become the Vice Chancellor.  More...