The Quaid Ispeaks

Hakim Hazik

Regina Elizabeth

Queen of the United Kingdom and Ireland

Empress of India

Dear Ma’am Ji,

I met the Met Chief Bhai at 5.30 in the morning when he whispered endearments into my ear and asked me to step into the Ford Transit van, equipped will aal maadren conveniences. 

Initially I had thaat that Kate was having another baby and we would be going to the King Edward the Seventh Haspataal. Haooever, I was told that we are heading faar the Wellington Haspataal (South ) and thence to the Iscatland Yard, before we go to the HMP Wandsworth. As expected, there were heralds and outriders so that there was no interruption to the cavalcade and the adoring masses could be kept at a safe distance. More...

Hakim Hazik

Extraordinary Rendition 

Addressing a press conference, the secretary information of the PTI, Auntie Mausoleum has blamed Geo for the recent phenomenon of global warming. She said that PTI has been warning about the reckless behaviour of this channel since Allah SWT sent his angels to the Central Committee and apprised them of the grave situation. More...

Extraordinary Rendition

Hakim Hazik

A special session of the Sunni Ittehad Council has issued a fatwa against the Afghan poet in exile, Jalaluddin Rumi for blasphemy and gross misconduct. 

Rumi, alias Maulavi, currently residing in Konya, escaped from the Afghan city of Balkh, after the rule of Sharia was enforced and the deviants and the dregs of the society such as poets, singers and artists had to flee. More...

Extraodinary Rendition

Hakim Hazik

Geo are the criminals. They conducted an elections survey before the polls, they did an exit poll, they had pundits and psephologists and statisticians. All these criminal activities were carried out in broad daylight by Iftikhar Ahmed, in cahoots with Nawaz Sharif, Iftikhar Chaudhry, RAW and Mosad. The conspiracies against the Pakistani nation and the nation’s favourite Sensitive Agency were perfected by the fascist BBC, CNN and Fox News on the American payroll. More...

Extraordinary Rendition

Hakim Hazik

And it so came to pass that the Lord God spake to the Cable Operator in the desolation of Sinai. He was told that he and his community were the chosen of God. He should go forth and liberate the tribes of the faithful, held in captivity without justice, in Chak Shahzad. He was asked to borrow the divine rod wielded in the name of the Lord God, by the DPC and cast it on the ground when faced with PR setbacks. More...

Extraordinary Rendition

Hakim Hazik

There have been historic relations between the Arabian Peninsula and South Asia. There was a brisk sea trade during the Umayyad times. When some of the Arab families were stranded in Serendepe, they were transferred by ship to Basra. On one such journey, pirates working for Mir Khalil ur Reman hijacked the ship bound for Basra, with the help of RAW agents and incarcerated them in a prison called Sing Sing in the fort of Daibol. It was at the time that an Arab women called Aafia Siddiqi cried out ‘O Hajjaj come to my help’. An expeditionary force was sent  under the command of the young Zaheerul Islam, who was barely seventeen years old. These valiant men defeated Mir Khalilur Rehman and decimated his army of sycophants. The cowardly tycoon fled to Dubai and the standard of Islam was unfurled over Karachi Metropolitan Corporation. More...

Extraordinary Rendition

Hakim Hazik

The International Sensitive Agency takes strong exception to the baseless allegations leveled against it. The Agency has sworn to protect the country and the constitution. The agency has spent blood and treasure answering the call of duty. 

The battle however is not over yet. In fact, it has just been joined. The agency believes in peaceful co-existence. This basic rule of civlised behaviour has been violated with impunity by the bloody civilians. But let there be no doubt. Any violation of our sovereignty will be met with the full force of our sensitivity. We shall fight on land, we shall fight in the air and sea. We shall fight in the officers mess and we shall fight in the Royal Palm Golf and Country Club. (Special rates for Eid and Christmas). We shall rehire the retired and send into the exile the ones we cannot hang. More...

Tuzk e Jahangiri

Hakim Hazik

Sir ji, it has been a lang time. The last time the Shriek Chairman sat in a helicopter was when he went to visit the late Shriek Shriek Chairman in the shatoo in Paris. There was a hue and a cry and a total siyapa by the media. Naoo, it is a different balls game. Miansab is in the Prime Minster’s house and the helicopters can come and go, like flies on the koonda of Nawab Din halwai. Nobody asks anymore, Oye, ‘How many teeth you ’av in your mouth?’  More...

Extraordinary Rendition

Hakim Hazik

‘The army will resolutely preserve its own dignity and institutional pride’, it was announced in the press release of the iSPR, sitting down for an iPhoto session after the Corps Commanders conference. The conference has taken a dim view of the statements issued on the floor of the iParliament by the eGovernment ministers. 

It was decided that as soon as the Prime Minister returned from China, the case would be put before him and a the cold barrel of a gun behind him, to leave no one in any doubt that the army takes its pride seriously. More...

Letter from Brother Abdullah

Hakim Hazik

Dear Brother Noon, 

Salutations to you and your harem. May Allah have mercy on all miskeens and miskeenat in the feudatory lands as long as they pay tribute and keep the deniers of the truth and apostates on a tight leash. 

We are pleased to offer the pure, pious and halal money to alleviate the sufferings in the Republic of Puristan. The Ummah is but one body and we are all part of the same. When Aabpara burps, Kabul is rocked on the Al-Richter scale. When miscreants are insolent towards the Manama Palace, the cost of fuel rises in Lahore. More...